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10 TRICKS TO PICK UP CHICKS
© Anita Ryan 2002

First impressions count, right? Well, sure they do, but to make a lasting impression on the goddess of your dreams, you need more than a shallow pool of attention-seeking party tricks and pick-up lines. Here are ten road-tested skills designed to impress a chick well into next week if you want to stand a chance of scoring a second glance. You will only need to master a couple of these in order to sustain your first impression of Mr Charisma, so get practising! 

  1. Master A Unique Skill 
    Feeding a condom up your nose and out your mouth might be a unique skill, but it sure ain't attractive. Instead, find a unique skill that demonstrates your sharp mind - a chick is always on the lookout for someone she can actually talk to after whoopee. Entice her with an offer to teach her backgammon over a European breakfast of bread, cheese and espresso. Or how to hoist a main-sail, build a pergola, or to get down and dirty together, change the oil in her car. 

  2. Wow With Worldliness 
    Nothing says "grown up" like a man who knows how to lead his lady on the dance floor. Being able to sweep her off her feet with a wild salsa will send the message that you are in control of your life, and all chicks want to be a part of that. Don't rely on your dodgy Foxtrot skills you learnt back in high school - they are way passť and don't give you enough opportunity to create sizzling body contact. Instead, take lessons in rock and roll dancing to build a perfect foundation for a brilliant career burning up the dance floor. One or two lessons should be enough to get you started with basic (but impressive) manoeuvres. 

  3. Potential Parent 
    Whether you like it or not, chicks are ruled by primal programming from deep within that cause them to seek out potential partners for the gene-sharing game. Appeal to your chick's nesting urge by telling a cute puppy dog story with actions and sound effects. You can borrow this story if you don't have a dog of your own: Heidi is a pug boxer who sits on sofas next to people, on her bottom, with her hind legs hanging over the edge just like people and her paw on their knee. When everyone laughs, she looks around with a "what are you laughing at?" expression on her face, (use your best "cute" facial expression here).

  4. Laugh Lines 
    Body language experts tell us that eye contact is the ultimate way to communicate attraction. Put your own ego aside for a few minutes and look her in the eye to show her you're listening to her anecdotes. And for god's sake, laugh at what she tells you - laughter releases the natural "cuddle chemical" oxytocin, amongst others, into the brain, and this can only work in your favour when it comes to home time. If she has no funny stories, have your own (non-offensive!) jokes ready to tell. 

  5. Sensitive Psychic 
    This one requires a base knowledge in star signs, but you're going to have to face these anyway if you want to spend more than one night with her - sooner or later, those astrological compatibility guides always come out! Get in early and guess her star sign with a flattering explanation why. Watch her melt when you utter phrases like, "You must be Sagittarius, your arrow of love has pierced my heart," or "You are a Libran, because of your ethereal beauty," and the like. 

  6. Cunning Linguist 
    Casual phrases like "I only speak three languages" scream sophistication and worldliness. Even if you can't speak another language, memorise a favourite romantic line of poetry in French - and no, voulez vous couche avec moi doesn't cut it. Even a corny pick-up line crooned in another language will sound exotic. Go to http://babelfish.altavista.com to translate your winning line into any language you choose. Memorise as many as you can - she will be hanging off your every word once you start whispering sweet somethings into her ear. 

  7. Mesmerising Maestro 
    Eyes are often described as "windows to the soul", and if you can engage a chick in a steamy staring competition, you are half way to happiness. Send subliminal sexual messages by subtly licking your lips, smiling mysteriously, and relaxing your eyelids. Being able to maintain eye contact shows you have integrity and that she can trust you, so if she mirrors your behaviour, she has caught your intention and is definitely interested. 

  8. Culture Vulture 
    Despite women's liberation, deep down all chicks want to know that their man can be their companion and look after them for the long haul. Captivate her cultivated side (the one that is looking for companionship) by showing passion for a civilised unisex game such as golf. This also gives you the chance to wrap her up in your manly arms as you teach her the golf grip, and will send her the message you are the man, her protector. Execute a masterstroke by inviting her to a game at your favourite course so you can demonstrate more of your hands on technique. 

  9. Trivia Master 
    Pick a subject, such as wine, music, movies or literature and learn a string of trivia about the subject. For example, if you've chosen a wine for dinner, research the label or the winery, and regale her with why this wine is so special to you (even if it isn't, fake it!). Because you have shared a personal story she will feel a connection to you, especially if you drop hints that maybe you could both visit the winery together one day - the implication of a future will make her feel secure. 

  10. Toilet Trained 
    Above all, remember to put the toilet seat down and you're pretty much a sure thing! To impress her that one step further, modern feng shui rules dictate that the lid should be down too. Hey, it's still only one flick of the wrist to put things in their place. 

END
1000 words.

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